There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
