I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
