There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
