Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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