Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
