Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
