In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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