I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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