The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
