when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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