Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
