He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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