I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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