I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
