I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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