I hate your face
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
dude i'm inner monologue high
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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