I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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