anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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