My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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