i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize