I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
