Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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