If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
