it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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