you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
