You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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