i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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