The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Vodka?
Forever.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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