Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
