I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
