and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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