This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
