His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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