We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
