Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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