"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
