Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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