God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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