Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
