Don't you send me to vm
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
