So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
