Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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