I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Michael Bay diarrhea
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
