I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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