At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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