You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
