I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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