Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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