five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
