She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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