you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
