mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i've created a new STD.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
