Your mouth is God's brothel.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
