I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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