if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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