i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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